A Principal’s prayer.
God I know you made them somewhere. Please bring me good teachers. Amen.
Worship and tears make the burn in my legs go away.
Every year, I say hello and goodbye to the may lives that come in and out of Scholarship.
After the first day of summer school today, for some reason, every little thought and situation felt so heavy. So I did what I know best and slept. I awoke at midnight to still feel the weight sitting right on top my heart so I decided to go for a jog. I put on my headphones and blasted worship music, because thats what Christians do: Listen to Worship while they jog. First 2 miles I spent focusing on breathing and keeping a steady pace. Ignoring thoughts and feelings and concentrating on trying to get the most out of my jog. But at the beginning of the 3rd mile I made the beautiful mistake of asking God if I can feel His heart for His people again. Immediately I was overwhelmed with the faces and voices of everyone I had to say “goodbye” to during my time in Scholarship over the years and I exploded into tears. I wasn’t crying in pain though. I was just simply overwhelmed with God’s affection and energy for his children. All of them. Regardless of any of my strategies or opinions of and for them, my heart was floored with God’s feelings for His children. Can’t explain it in words exactly but it was such an intense love. I ran about 2 more miles with this sensation crying and worshipping the whole time. When my experience came to an end, I felt God tell me. “John, learn to lay it at my feet. All of it. And I will make all things well.”
I didn’t know how much I had blamed myself for everyone I had to say goodbye to. It was heavy and hard. It made running the race of life harder than it had to be. And God cared to step in and coach me and teach me how to make it lighter.
I wiped my tears, came inside, had a great workout, and just sat relishing the position of being loved and feeling light. If this keeps up, running is going to be a piece of cake ;)
Loving God is so great as it is. But learning to love like Him, with Him, and Him back, is a party on a whole different level.
I’m satisfied with this entry. There are other little details that my experience even more delicious… but I’ll keep that between me and Him. :D
my dad never celebrated birthdays. all me and my brother would get is miyukgook (korean birthday soup) and then we would get a long talk about how birthdays in america are so self-absorbed and instead we should be giving thanks to our mother for giving birth to us. the only time he ever celebrated my birthday was in kindergarten. I didn’t tell people it was my birthday because I was ashamed that I wouldn’t be having a big birthday bash like other kids had nor would i receive some extravagant gifts. i remember my teacher opening the door and my mom and dad coming in with a huge box of cookies from my favorite kew garden’s cookie shop (which is now a fast food buffet spot) and I was so excited to be the center of attention of giving. The after and before is a haze but I remember so clearly my parents walking through that door with the box of cookies and where exactly I was situated in the classroom. It was so rare to see my parents like that. genuinely happy and together. my mom with her slightly permed shoulder-length hair and my dad, for once, not being angry. everytime i remember my dad, i remember him scowling. his eyesbrows scrunched in anger, but that day it wasnt.
after that, they never celebrated my birthday like that so i would celebrate on my own. i love forest hills library. so many memories i have sitting in the library flipping through books or just walking through the aisles reading book titles. on my birthdays, i would walk to the library. and what a beautiful walk it was. i would bypass the commercial queens boulevard streets and go through the private neighborhoods with the old ladies wearing their sunday’s best sitting on the benches, stone fountains with it’s trickling waters and lush greeneries all around me. i was always dreaming on these walks and so i always found myself at my destination alot quicker than i expected. but i would go to the library and check out books on my birthday so my birthdate can be stamped on the back of the books i borrowed and especially on the books i loved. i would browse through the backs of the books to see if any of them were taken out by someone else on my birthday last year.
it makes me sad that i can’t do that anymore. now we have printed receipts when you borrow a book.and all this came from seeing a photo of the due date stamps on library books
A late night/early morning thought about Education.
Today, a parent communicated to me that she really believes in my ability to educate her children. She communicated that she cares about my pains and efforts and encouraged me to keep struggling with the stresses of the job. She communicated that she sees my love for the children and believes it can help them for the better. I have never felt more appreciated as an educator before.
I have been unsure about this path of education for awhile now. It was always a “good” thing for me to do. Something I can contribute because it was a part of what I could offer. It didn’t feel like it was entirely who I was or could be. But this parent today challenged me to think differently about my relationship with education.
My thoughts about education up till this point was too direct. I cared too much about what I taught and how I taught it. I made it all about the science and technicalities and drove myself to pursue new ways to motivate and teach my students how to think. I gave myself to sleepless nights of brainstorming and working so very hard to think of ways to enhance the student’s life. And in the mess of all the work I never understood why I was an educator. I didn’t really understand why I invested my energy into this path of trying teach students about things I have yet to master completely myself. But despite my uncertainty and insecurities, this parent believed I was an educator because I loved her kids.
I will always be unsatisfied with my abilities as an educator. But thanks to this parent, I will never again question my call to be an educator. Because she helped me realize that educating, is not merely an investment in education for me. Educating, is an investment in love, and I am definitely and entirely, a lover. I believe in the impossible and I take big risks. I say yes when others say no and I don’t regret involving my own heart into other’s messes. I am a lover. Of this, I am sure. That is what makes me a great educator. Not my intelligence. Not my ability. Definitely not my credentials. I am a great educator because I love my students. It is the single greatest gift I have ever received and I, as an educator, get to share it with my students.
Education is not an investment in knowledge.
Or society.
Or the economy.
Education, is an investment, in Love.
I can definitely live with and for that. And hopefully, it will bring people, including myself, a little closer to Christ. The source of everything that is Good. The source of the one thing that makes sense out of everything else. Love.
To Our 12 Wonderful Years
You were always with one of my close friends in High School. You guys were such a great team. Every time I saw you, I would sort of be jealous and covet…and then, without me realizing it, I fell in love.
And thats how we met. I bought you for $39.99 plus tax at the local FootAction. (Foot Locker was for the snobs) When I first put you on, it was a perfect fit. We danced to korean music for no reason in pure bliss and you were still on my feet when I fell asleep that night.
Since then, so many things happened to me my friend. I had quite the adventure with good times and bad times. I’ve traveled and hurt. I’ve grieved and recovered. I’ve discovered and celebrated, and you, my dear friend, was with me every “step” of the way. You supported me regardless of how light or heavy my burdens were and you listened to all my complaints. You took all my anger and ugliness and even joined me in several fights. You were truly a gift from above and I cherished you dearly. A gift from Jesus himself. See? You even help me think of Christ.
Dear Adidas, I will miss you so much. You were truly great sneakers. Thanks for everything. You remind me of the love of Christ. Because of you,
- All
- Day
- I
- Dream
- About
- Salvation
You helped carry me for such a long time. Now, you can finally rest in peace. See ya later bud :)
Love, John Jun.
How John got his groove back.
Ingredients:
- A close friend from High School
- Photobooth “GQ”
- A pokemon that goes to Med School.
- The Open Door with Woosh Accent.
- A building full of kids to love as your own.
- Understanding/reconciling with your mentor.
Directions:
Have a traumatic childhood and then find Christ. Find your groove. Fall in love with people after finding your groove. Get traumatized again by those you loved and lose your groove. Start a school for kids that are like you and love them like hell. Love the guy from the Open Door. Now add the pokemon that goes to Med School and love him like hell. Repeat for awhile. Now, allow the close friend from High School to begin thawing the heart that lost its groove. Let it sit for awhile. Once it reaches the right temperature, allow yourself to fall in love with “GQ” and be confused as to why. Stay confused for awhile and in the meantime make a banging photobooth. Finally, once this is all well mixed together, coat the result with understanding/reconciling with your mentor. You now have your groove back. Make sure to celebrate with a 5-day birthday and celebration so you don’t forget. Remember to trust in God as best as you can the whole entire way. And even when you can’t, trust Him anyway. Amen
